I'm glad I've taken some time before writing this post or it would've been less balanced, more of a feel sorry for myself sort of pity party. I feel like it's worth the write because it is one of those classic cultural clashes I used to feel so often. I think part of the emotional blow I felt a few days ago was due to myself being so much better adjusted here that it took me by surprise to have that "cultural loser" L on my forehead again. Ironically, I was just going to write a blog post about all the ways in which I've become so Turkish. Ha! Now I see that though I have become "Turkish" in many things, I still have my limits. With all this said as an introduction I'll get on to sharing what happened to produce all this analyzing.
Most weeks we have visitors in our home. Mostly it is the neighbor kids in this building and their moms. I'd say on average, four days out of seven we have visitors. That being said, it was a normal week, maybe above normal. On Wednesday, Sonora's little friend from downstairs came to play in the morning. Around noon her mom and little brother came as well. Fatma and her family are very dear to me. I love it when they come. She took the time to show me how to make one of my favorite Turkish foods her way because I said hers tastes better than mine. They hung out for awhile and then she was needing to take her daughter to the doctor. I offered to keep her little boy (2 years old) because it would be a long trip with two kids. She tried to put him to sleep in our house but to no avail, so she left him with us without his nap.
Sonora at first did a great job being a little baby sitter. And the little guy did great for the first two hours. Then when Malachi and Aaron came home Sonora was just done with watching this baby and being a helper and slowly things started breaking down. Sonora wanted her mommy and realizing she couldn't have my attention, she started to cry. That didn't help things with a two year old who was starting to miss his mom. And just then the doorbell rang.
It wasn't Fatma but another neighbor coming to visit. She came in and I was running around trying to offer tea, entertain a toddler about to cry and camping out by the door, and console my daughter who was starting to lose it. Needless to say my hospitality (even to a good neighbor friend that doesn't expect much) wasn't very good. I was starting to get scatter brained. About a half hour later with me doing everything poorly, the doorbell rang and it was Fatma. Though she could now watch her own little boy, I now had a girl who had lost it. Sonora was walking around crying, saying in English how she just wanted everyone to leave. My guests start asking why Sonora is crying and one is offering her sweets to pacify her after I've spent all day trying to keep her from them!
I excused myself to talk with her in private but it didn't seem to help. Sonora needed me and we both knew that guests don't equal that. I couldn't tell my guests to leave, that after seven hours my daughter is spent and having a hard time getting control. I couldn't tell my daughter that because she is crying I'll just tell everyone to leave. I couldn't even tell her that it would just be a little longer--you just never know how long one will stay! I didn't know what to do but try to be a mom and host the best I could. Though in writing it sounds so noble, it didn't look pretty. After this chaos continued a little longer Fatma finally said they should go, that I needed to care for my family. And though this was thoughtful of her and though she was taking no offense with the situation, when I heard her tell my other neighbor, "Come on, let's go to my house. . . I have some food.. . . " I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I had not, in the last half hour of chaos, been able to properly offer them anything!
They left, and though I was in large part relieved, I felt so bad. I knew that my family had reached a limit and it was that fact that stung a bit. It made me feel our difference and when you are a foreigner, you know how sometimes it just gets so tiring to feel you are different. Even if Sonora had not been struggling and been in tears, after seven hours we are starting to wear down. But I knew that wouldn't be the case for them. They could entertain all day for days and not feel like it was too much. Being an introvert doesn't help, and on days like that I keenly feel myself being stretched. Not so much in the moment but I feel it afterwards when everyone is gone and it is just our family again. I like it when it is just us. Some weeks it seems we don't get enough of it. I'm sure other families in our building don't think like that. They would be thrilled to have guests every day I think. Maybe I'm making assumptions but honestly, women are much more used to entertaining and having a crowd than anything I had ever seen. Having people over in America was always an event. This dropping by business just didn't happen.
I guess I've come to realize that there are still parts of me that are so molded by my own culture that I will always feel my limits here. Space, time, privacy. Those are the firsts that come to mind as being challenged. So, though it was terrible day, I was keenly reminded that that feeling used to be a norm. When we first came we were so fully garbed in American cultural mindsets that we couldn't help but acutely feel our constant "cultural" mistakes. We've since shed off some of our culture and taken on some of the culture here and by in large we fit. I'm so thankful for the growth we've made as a family in adapting to the culture here. We've come a long way. Sometimes it takes an out of the ordinary bad day to bring attention to a new norm.
I'm wondering how "different" we'll feel when we move back and how long it'll last. I know we aren't 100% Turkish but I don't think we are 100% American anymore either. There aren't new ropes for us to learn like when we first came here, but it's the old ones feeling a bit strange that they call reverse culture shock. I'm wondering how it'll be.
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